Take me as I am.

Have you ever had that feeling that someone just didn't like you and you can't understand why? Like, you see someone a lot of times and there will be eye contact, a smile if you're lucky, but then they just walk by, maybe go talk to someone else, or something else.

That was a really long sentence. It's 1:30 AM. I'm sorry.

It's something I've been experiencing lately and no matter how many times I wrap my brain around it I just can't figure it out. When you've barely said ten words to the person you nearly have to count those words and make sure one of them wasn't the wrong one.

I like to think I'm a likable person. I mean, not in certain situations that have unfortunately come up in my life lately, but at the same time, I am not the kind of person that will sit back and take everything that comes to me. If there's something I don't like, I make you know about it. I pride myself in that.

Which leads me to have a quick blurb about Kairos: It was life changing. Literally. There had been something I was struggling with for a really long time and I was never able to talk about it in depth with anyone. I was too ashamed to, and it had affected me ever since it happened. For the first time in a very very long time, I was genuinely happy. There was nothing that could bring me down. I just felt so blessed and so loved and so accepted that it was almost like there wasn't anything else I COULD feel. Most of all, I felt closure. I felt GOD. It was incredible. I don't think there has ever been a time that I have cried that much in a matter of 3 days. Well, except when I was a baby.

I had never felt such joy in my life. It was the biggest high in my life thus far. But then I came back to the hustle and bustle of school life. Granted, it wasn't all bad - the little girl I tutor at work today actually kind of paid attention and it just warmed my heart to think she was actually learning (and anyone who has talked to me in the last couple of weeks probably know how awesome that actually is.) But then these residual feelings I had before the retreat (not about what I had closure about, but everything else) came creeping back to the surface and Kairos is almost a distant memory already. Kinda like that thing I mentioned at the beginning of this post.

Happiness, joy, love, and closure,

turned [back] into

Anxiety, stress, headaches, and pensiveness.

Yeah, I knew the high was going to end when I came back, but I would've liked it if it would have stuck around a little longer.

I don't really have a good ending for this post. I just thought I needed a good spill of feelings. Even though a real spillage of feelings would involve spitting out names and I don't think that's really the best thing to do.

Not to mention it is now 1:41 AM. And I think if I keep going I'm going to say something I shouldn't. My filter is fading away.

I'm off to bed now.