The pursuit of happiness.

So I was creeping on someone's Facebook today (since, of course, I had given creeping up for Lent and I'm lame and do the Sunday rule) and stumbled across a blog they had started about 2 years ago. I won't mention who it is, though if by the slim, SLIM chance that person is reading this blog, I would just like to say thanks for the inspiration! (And I was totally creeping on you... obviously. But I hope you don't mind.)

Anyways, all of the posts had to do with happiness - the pursuit, the wrong ways to find it, finding happiness in others, etc. It really made me think. And of course, me taking a break from writing my paper for Italian turned into a much longer break than I probably should have taken. I don't know this person very well, but just reading it made me gain some respect for the person, as well, because I really liked their ideas. And it made me want to blog about it for myself, since I haven't given my brain spillage in quite some time.

So the pursuit of happiness. It's our inherent desire to be happy, and we each find happiness in different things. Our passions drive us to find that happiness wherever we may choose to go. I, personally, have a passion for people and their happiness. It is one of the reasons why I want to become a therapist - to make people happy. Others may have a passion for sports, music, writing, anything really. And that's all you really have to do - find a passion and shoot for it.

In some cases, this pursuit of happiness includes the wrong things; trying to find happiness in money or relationships or material possessions. The phrase transforms from "I'm happy" to "I'm happy that I'm better than you." And honestly, that isn't real happiness.

"Success" is another word that can easily be played around with. What is "success?" To me, success is subjective. I always thought of a successful person not as someone with millions of dollars, or a top-of-the-food-chain job, or a superstar spouse, but a person that was genuinely happy with their life and who was in it. A successful person works with what they are given and is simply okay with that. No ifs, ands, or buts. So who are we to say that someone is successful if they aren't even happy with it?

There's that word again. Happy.

Granted, some people may be happy with tons of money, and I hope that someday they realize that isn't what life is all about. But until then, they can just burn holes in their pockets and build fake friendships, because that's all that will really amount of their life.

That's just my opinion.

Which leads me to my next point: other people. Are others a facet of your happiness? Or can you lead a happy life on your own? Social interaction does something. Unless you have some sort of social phobia, social interaction is like chocolate: it just DOES something to you. It warms your heart and people can see it from the glint in your eyes. Laughter is the natural medicine - the one proven medication for ANYTHING and it has no harmful side effects. Isn't it amazing? And when you're happy, others are, too - and sometimes it can just be because you're radiating that happiness like sunlight. Happiness is reciprocal.

Sometimes we're attracted to people that bring out those qualities in us. The ones that can bring out the natural sunlight within us. That's where the best marriages and friendships come from - the ones that won't rain on our parade.

Okay, I'm done with the weather puns. I'm sorry.

So how do we achieve this ultimate happiness? That's something I've been wondering. It's a tough concept to grasp for me - is it even achievable? Of course it is. Sit and think for a moment about a time that you were genuinely happy - you had other things going on in your life, bad things, stressful things, but it didn't matter. At that one moment, nothing could bring you down. And once you've reached that high, and you come back down from it, you'll do anything to get it back. After all, now we know how it feels. Once it slips away, it's not gone forever - just for the moment. We need to hit the lows sometimes to get back to the highs. That's what makes the highs worthwhile.

Rx: Laughter
Side effects: Side stitches, pain in your cheeks, and watery eyes.
Cost: Priceless

Take me as I am.

Have you ever had that feeling that someone just didn't like you and you can't understand why? Like, you see someone a lot of times and there will be eye contact, a smile if you're lucky, but then they just walk by, maybe go talk to someone else, or something else.

That was a really long sentence. It's 1:30 AM. I'm sorry.

It's something I've been experiencing lately and no matter how many times I wrap my brain around it I just can't figure it out. When you've barely said ten words to the person you nearly have to count those words and make sure one of them wasn't the wrong one.

I like to think I'm a likable person. I mean, not in certain situations that have unfortunately come up in my life lately, but at the same time, I am not the kind of person that will sit back and take everything that comes to me. If there's something I don't like, I make you know about it. I pride myself in that.

Which leads me to have a quick blurb about Kairos: It was life changing. Literally. There had been something I was struggling with for a really long time and I was never able to talk about it in depth with anyone. I was too ashamed to, and it had affected me ever since it happened. For the first time in a very very long time, I was genuinely happy. There was nothing that could bring me down. I just felt so blessed and so loved and so accepted that it was almost like there wasn't anything else I COULD feel. Most of all, I felt closure. I felt GOD. It was incredible. I don't think there has ever been a time that I have cried that much in a matter of 3 days. Well, except when I was a baby.

I had never felt such joy in my life. It was the biggest high in my life thus far. But then I came back to the hustle and bustle of school life. Granted, it wasn't all bad - the little girl I tutor at work today actually kind of paid attention and it just warmed my heart to think she was actually learning (and anyone who has talked to me in the last couple of weeks probably know how awesome that actually is.) But then these residual feelings I had before the retreat (not about what I had closure about, but everything else) came creeping back to the surface and Kairos is almost a distant memory already. Kinda like that thing I mentioned at the beginning of this post.

Happiness, joy, love, and closure,

turned [back] into

Anxiety, stress, headaches, and pensiveness.

Yeah, I knew the high was going to end when I came back, but I would've liked it if it would have stuck around a little longer.

I don't really have a good ending for this post. I just thought I needed a good spill of feelings. Even though a real spillage of feelings would involve spitting out names and I don't think that's really the best thing to do.

Not to mention it is now 1:41 AM. And I think if I keep going I'm going to say something I shouldn't. My filter is fading away.

I'm off to bed now.

Miles to go before I sleep.

So things that happened to me today that were just plain awesome:

-In Italian, we talked about the differences between American houses and Italian houses/apartments. My classmate (who happens to be going to Italy too) and I were sitting there in awe. It made me realize how soon this is happening and how I'll be seeing it for myself soon. Mind = blown.

-I got home to find that Cobra Starship is going to be at Bigelow Bash this year. For free. Like, seriously?? They're pretty awesome. I have their hoodie... just saying.

-I got almost $80 from selling one of my books on eBay. Chyeah.

-I had lunch at Market with Becca as we usually do twice a week. And I somehow managed to have a balanced meal. AT MARKET. Only people who have been there will know how awesome it is to walk out of Market feeling like they had a healthy meal.

...Okay that's basically it. For some reason I feel like more happened.

Nonetheless, now that I've been accepted to Pitt in Italy, I just feel like it's creeping up on me so fast. There are many things to do before then, and "many miles before I sleep." Looking at my overflowing calendar is pretty darn daunting, but for now, things are pretty good. Surprisingly so, too.

Not to mention the sun is out. Which is something awesome in itself.

AWESOME.

The Truth and Staying where you stand.

There was a situation that I was a part of last night that was a sort of unhealthy debate about the fine line between a violation of free speech and standing up for what you believe in. This situation has weighed pretty heavily on me within the last few hours since it has happened and I've come to wonder where exactly that line lies. Growing up in a largely-Protestant town and the things I experienced through my years in high school, I came to be very open minded about many a situation. It's a funny thing, really - at college, a decent amount of my friends are practicing Catholics while at home, it is quite the opposite.

Don't get me wrong, by opposite, I mean that my friends at home are mostly Protestant Christians. And I admit it - I don't really care what your religion is, if you even have one at all. It is an important thing to me in certain situations, but there are more things to friendship than that. I have always thought that I can be a catalyst in some form - if I am not meant to bring someone to God (if they aren't there already) then I can just love in the Christian way and hope that they see it and respect it for what it is. And who knows - maybe they will learn to do the same in the process.

Of course, you see the clear differences between beliefs in doing so, and diversity is a good thing. It's respectable to be worldly-wise in that sense. I have the utmost respect for people who can have a conversation with anyone they want to, open-minded and without judgment from either party. It shows that kind of compassion and love that we as Christians are taught to have.

In the course of my life, I have learned (and was taught by my parents, of course) to be respectful of everyone. And for me, I am usually respectful of people I meet unless I am given a reason not to be respectful. When you show no respect for me, I as a result will have no respect for you. 

Debates have also been hard for me over the years. At first I would just get upset and just avoid it at any rate. Usually because no one really challenged my beliefs or challenged my opinions before. But being in situations where discussion was inevitable (my high school Psychology class or my Seminar in Composition class, for example) I was able to go from saying "That's stupid." to "I don't really agree with what you're saying, and here is why." 

I suppose I should start getting to my point and stop trying to explain where I am coming from. It will all make sense at the end, I promise.

Basically, throughout my life I have come to respect people while politely being able to disagree with something I don't stand for. I'm not a pushover - I just don't take part in anything that I don't believe in. In situations where there is an event that is promoting something that I do not stand for, then I simply do not take part. It's something we all naturally do - an Atheist is not going to go to seminary. Someone who is pro-life is not going to apply for a job at an abortion clinic. Right? It's simple logic. And that, in a sense, is where I show where I stand. I don't believe in expressing my opinion in such a way that it comes off as pushy and closed minded, especially in a situation where it is not welcomed. Besides, it just isn't who I am.

So then how do I express "The Truth," as we are meant to do? It is like I said above - we are judged by how we act towards others and towards ourselves. When we have that kind of self awareness that we know where we stand in situations then we can show others through the way we act. And, also like I said, through love and compassion for everyone that I care for. Show the truth by being an example. When we model a certain behavior, people will reciprocate it. When we are caring and understanding for others, they will give us care and understanding in return. When we are harsh, they will reciprocate. 

Something that has been on my mind lately is a topic we discussed in my Social Psychology class. It is called "Confirmation bias." Basically, when we believe in something, we will find more information to show that it is true without ever really looking at the other side. I know to take most things like this with a grain of salt, because we will not always do things like this to a huge degree, but it's made me question whether or not we can really change someone's mind about something. Since we naturally look for information that shows us truth in what we believe, who's to say that someone of an opposing view hasn't done the same? But that discussion is probably for a different post, since I think this one has gone on long enough.

Been a while, hasn't it?

I'M BAAAAACK.

And as I'm sure you, the lovely reader, knows, I GOT ACCEPTED. And I'm hoping and praying that I will get the scholarship I'm going into a meeting for in a couple of weeks.

I can't believe this is happening. It just seems so unreal. In 4 and a half months I will be basically fulfilling my dream of travelling to bell'Italia itself.

But then I wonder what my new dream will be. I mean, being the crazy Tangled fanatic I am, it's like they said in the movie: "You find a new dream." But I guess I'll figure that out when the time comes.

I apologize for not giving you the brain spillage that is my blog lately. The semester has finally kicked in full swing and it's just one thing after another after another (and another...) But here is what you missed, just in case:

The "Awkward Middle School Dance" Dance was on Saturday, and it was beyond amazing. I think one of my favorite things to do is just get out on a dance floor and go crazy. Heck, I don't even have to be intoxicated. It's that great. Plus the opportunities of dancing to 90's classics come say, once or twice every few years? And by few, I mean a lot. So it was completely necessary to go insane right? Plus, the Backstreet Boys AND the Spice Girls were all there. It was super cray.

Groundhog Day was a few days before that. It was strange being home and knowing that my college friends were there too. (Or, in Emily's case, in my childhood bed back home, as she was most of the time...)

I started working for America Reads in full swing about a week ago. I have 2 kids that I tutor and one doesn't like to sit still. It will be an interesting semester, to say the least...

I signed an apartment lease with 3 other girls yesterday for the Camelot, which is basically this really nice apartment building in the nice part of Oakland (if there even is one) and they're pretty hard to get into because they get filled up pretty quickly. Nice, right???

Things as far as classes go have been pretty calm. That is, in comparison to other weeks when I have 4 exams in a matter of 2 days. And that will be at the end of the month so I guess a good time to start studying is... now? In between my lesson plans for work, my bible study, and trying to have a social life. I think I need to start kicking my proverbial academic butt soon...

Things are looking up, and I must say, I'm highly enjoying myself. Even though I can't wait for spring break to get here so I can just kick back, relax, and (maybe) catch up on sleep... Maybe. Much love to you all and thank you for the continual prayers/positive juju throughout the last couple of weeks! :)