It seems as though I've been gone a while...

Hello! Long time no see!

So let me fill you in about my life in the past I-don't-quite-know-how-long-it's-been.

First and foremost, if you haven't been following my facebook, there's been over 150 bomb threats in the last month and a half. They started small, probably with some kid who didn't want to have to take an exam. But then they started to get crazy. First 2 in one day, then 3 buildings at once, then multiple threats with multiple buildings at once. Oh yeah, and then this psycho decided that evacuating classes in the middle of the day was too easy. So he/she/they started evacuating dorms and campus-related apartment buildings at 4 AM. 

Basically, I've been couch surfing the last couple of weeks. Easter weekend I went to a friend's house because she wasn't about to let me stay on campus. And sure enough, that Saturday night, I would have been evacuated. Coming back, there were a couple of days that there weren't any threats - we went over 24 hours without a bomb threat, but none of us knew whether it was a good thing or turning a corner and finding yourself face-to-face with a crazy shooter. But I went back to the Throp... if only for a couple nights. The second night I stayed there (and the last time I stayed there) I was evacuated at 5:30 in the morning and had to walk through the streets of creepy South Oakland to get to my other friend's apartment.

Since then, I've been staying with my friend off campus in North Oakland. A bit of a trek from campus, yes, but I wasn't about to spend my last days of classes (and finals week) wondering if I'll be getting my precious night-before-an-exam sleep. But it's been going well. 

In light of these bomb threats, kids have been permitted to leave campus early and have accommodations for themselves. Many professors moved their exams and things online. I didn't have to go to my lab the last two weeks of classes and the hardest exam I have got moved online. So I'm not quite complaining as far as that goes.

It doesn't even feel as though yesterday was my last day of classes. In the heat of all these bomb threats, I've just been taking things day by day wondering if I'll get evacuated. Conspiracy theories were thrown out for the whole campus to get paranoid about - Mark Krangle, this psychotic ex-professor at Pitt was arrested at Pittsburgh Airport when police found out he wanted to come talk to students about his eBook (which was apparently about how Pitt is corrupt... or something). The V-Tech anniversary came and went with no crazy shooter or anything of that nature. And now some transgender couple is getting a subpoena against them. 

And somehow we have several police forces, the FBI, and the Joint Task Force involved and they're still going. Not that I don't appreciate them for all they do, but let me put it in the words of my uncle this past weekend: "If this had been happening at the White House, they'd have found the guy a long time ago."

In other (much lighter) news, everything else in my life has been fantastic. I'm going home in less than a week, I went to my first carnival of the year last night at CMU, and Italy is now less than a month away. I'm ordering tickets to go to Paris soonish, which is extra awesome.

Wait. Pause. There were just 6 more bomb threats.

On the bright side, I won an inflated duck!

Oh yeah, And I turned 20 last week. I was never a Teen Mom, but I just feel old now. And my family decided to fatten me up with 2 dozen cupcakes, a cookie pie, and peanut butter cookies.

But I think I've said enough for now. I think I should probably start doing something productive before I go talking about bomb threats some more.

Peace homies.

Straight from the heart, mind, soul

Be prepared for some discombobulated thoughts.

Discombobulated is actually a word. The only way I know that is because the little red squiggly line isn't under it. Phonetic spelling for the win?

I kind of want to put my feathers from last summer back into my hair when I go to Italy. I miss them in some odd way.

Is it possible to wash a loofah? Honestly. If you use it in the shower does it need washed? #PhilosoraptorMomentOfTheDay

Back when I had a Twitter account, I had to capitalize the first letter of each word because I'd get OCD about not being able to read words without spaces in between them.

I'm not sure how to feel about this exam tomorrow. I know things going through my flashcards but before exams I sometimes get worried about not being worried about it. If that makes sense.

I went to the soup kitchen today. Second time to ever go there. It's such an experience knowing that you're actually helping people who need it.

Where do you go when you feel like you've reached a brick wall? If you really want something, and if you really want to climb over that brick wall, even when you got signs against it, is it still achievable if you really wanted it?

How can you even achieve something when you feel defeated? Humility check, anyone?

I should really be studying for this exam...

Isn't it funny how life changes when you go through it? And you reach a certain point when you figure out what you want.

I suppose I'm still about halfway to that point.

Sometimes I wonder if I use the word "I" too much. How are you today?

55 days until I leave the country.

Life is seriously moving too fast. I don't like thinking that I'll be a junior in college soon. Even though I like thinking about next year, moving into my own apartment, turning 21, etc.

I get such high hopes for the future sometimes. Even though within the last few weeks I've come to learn a little more about myself. Fears and whatnot.

I've also learned that my heart skips a beat when I see a nice smile. And every time I think about it, "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift comes to mind. You know that one line that says "You've got a smile that could light up this whole town..."

I understand that sounded cryptic. Oh well.

October Baby has a really awesome soundtrack. I'm listening to it now.

I kind of miss playing soccer back in the day. I miss band too. Like mad. Sometimes I wish the HS soccer coach didn't ruin my love of the sport. Maybe I would have still played it in high school...

I'm craving chocolate chip pancakes.

...this is why you don't want to know what's on my mind. I really had to stop myself. :p

Hello, spring... I mean, summer.

I'm sitting here in my room sweating like a dog because there is no air circulation and/or AC in Lothrop. Such is one of the reasons why I cannot wait to live in the Camelot.

I can't even begin to tell you how pretty awesome my life is at the moment. I would say there is nothing that could go wrong, but alas, that would be a lie.

At this point though, I feel like the good balances out the bad. And that's all that matters right?

I just need to learn to kick back and let things happen. It was always a problem of mine, because I can be pretty darn impatient when it comes to myself (ironically, I like to think I'm patient with everyone else. Just myself.) Recently there was a situation and I would talk about it and say "I just don't know what to do about it." and my friends would say "Do nothing."

Let me tell you: that is easier said than done.

Not that I can really DO anything. It's one of those situations where you just kind of have to sit and regretfully take things in stride. Which is a complete pain in the butt.

For me, anyways.

In much lighter news, it's less than 60 days until I leave for Italy. And I feel like those less than 60 days will come creeping up much sooner than I expect. But, at least it will be a happy surprise.

This weather has been awesome. Being able to sit out in the sun for two hours with my friends to walking to Squirrel Hill and back last night to get ice cream at Cold Stone. And now today. Dinner with the Pitt in Italy kids and then what Yaleh calls "Prom" (just because we're dressing up in formalwear). And if the weather holds up, maybe going to a game at the Pete with Laura. That's a pretty big maybe, though. Stupid rain destroying my plans.......

In other words, life is pretty much awesome. Sure there's some stuff that isn't so awesome, but if there was absolutely nothing wrong in your life, then I feel like that's sort of a problem.

That makes me sound like I'm such a downer. I think it's the rain.

I need to say something.

You know what ticks me off more than anything?

People who lead other people on.

I'm not singling out guys, even though I obviously have only had experience with men doing that... BUT. I know girls who have done so too. And you know what?

It sucks being on the short end of that stick.

It sucks a lot, actually. And usually, unless you've actually gone through it, you don't know how much it absolutely stinks.

Sure a compliment is nice once in a while. But you know. If you start calling someone "adorable" or "cute" or "hun" all the time, don't you think that's sending the wrong message?

I dunno, call me crazy, but as for us girls, we get thrown for a loop about EVERYTHING. Because we as women tend to think about stuff way more than it should be thought about. And, granted, that's not a good thing to begin with. But when there is no thought process behind what you're saying, I don't want to hear it.
I know we don't use 100% of our brains, but could you please use the part that we do use and think a little?

I'm not saying we don't make mistakes. We do. Things happen and you don't know that things will be perceived a certain way. It happens to all of us. But if you like someone, let them know. Don't play games with other people, because it hurts them. A lot.

I REALLY needed to get that out.

Life and other such things.

Tonight I began reading one of my favorite chapter books from middle school that I found while searching for books for work at Carnegie Library. It was so refreshing reading something for fun and not having to analyze it.

Even when I was at home I was too caught up in everything else to just sit down and read. And, for those of you with me over the summer, know that the one time I actually tried doing so, I sat out a little too long and got caught up a little too much into the book and ended up with a nasty sunburn.

Reading on my own bed under a lightbulb is much healthier... and comfier.

I bought my plane ticket the other day for Italy. As many of you already know, I'm certain. I find it so hard to believe that I'll be going in two and a half short months. Around 78 or 79 days, according to the ticker on the website I bought the ticket from. As if I needed to know how many days it would be.

Just as I was contemplating the idea of happiness a few days ago (thanks to creeping on this guy's blog from a few years ago... as I explained in the last post), here I am doing the same. As much as I would like to be home with my family and soak up the time I have before I leave, I kinda needed this time to myself for some good R&R.

Man, I sound like I'm leaving forever. I'm most definitely not. Sorry if that's disappointing for some of you.

At the beginning of the year, I started reading a meditation-type book called "God is in the Little Things, and it All Matters." I haven't picked it up in quite some time, because well, I just haven't had the time to. But I guess in the hustle and bustle of midterms I didn't really think about it. I was too caught up in trying to find time to do everything I needed to do (and most I probably didn't get to). Even though, thinking about it, that may have been my main problem.

Well, my main problem was not having enough hours in one day to accomplish everything, so I guess it's a close second?

Long story short: this break is needed. Even if I'll be doing a little bit of work over break, it will be a good time to kick back, catch up on Heroes (and of course, this reading), and not have to think about exams or studying or work for a while. I doubt I can get that genuine sense of happiness that I talked about in my last post (seriously, go read it.) but you know, it's something to achieve.

Happiness is in the little things. Like waking up to the sun breaking through the clouds.

It's one of the most beautiful images to me. It's like God playing hide-and-seek with you or something. It's a terrible metaphor, I know. But I just can't describe it. Out of probably any part of nature, it's the one thing I will never tire of seeing.

Probably untrue, since I'll be looking down on the Atlantic ocean in a few weeks. But you know what I mean.

Honestly this post has no point. I wanted to take a break from my book (which I started a couple of hours ago and I'm already halfway through...) and felt like saying hi.

Embrace the little things in life. It's so worth it.

The pursuit of happiness.

So I was creeping on someone's Facebook today (since, of course, I had given creeping up for Lent and I'm lame and do the Sunday rule) and stumbled across a blog they had started about 2 years ago. I won't mention who it is, though if by the slim, SLIM chance that person is reading this blog, I would just like to say thanks for the inspiration! (And I was totally creeping on you... obviously. But I hope you don't mind.)

Anyways, all of the posts had to do with happiness - the pursuit, the wrong ways to find it, finding happiness in others, etc. It really made me think. And of course, me taking a break from writing my paper for Italian turned into a much longer break than I probably should have taken. I don't know this person very well, but just reading it made me gain some respect for the person, as well, because I really liked their ideas. And it made me want to blog about it for myself, since I haven't given my brain spillage in quite some time.

So the pursuit of happiness. It's our inherent desire to be happy, and we each find happiness in different things. Our passions drive us to find that happiness wherever we may choose to go. I, personally, have a passion for people and their happiness. It is one of the reasons why I want to become a therapist - to make people happy. Others may have a passion for sports, music, writing, anything really. And that's all you really have to do - find a passion and shoot for it.

In some cases, this pursuit of happiness includes the wrong things; trying to find happiness in money or relationships or material possessions. The phrase transforms from "I'm happy" to "I'm happy that I'm better than you." And honestly, that isn't real happiness.

"Success" is another word that can easily be played around with. What is "success?" To me, success is subjective. I always thought of a successful person not as someone with millions of dollars, or a top-of-the-food-chain job, or a superstar spouse, but a person that was genuinely happy with their life and who was in it. A successful person works with what they are given and is simply okay with that. No ifs, ands, or buts. So who are we to say that someone is successful if they aren't even happy with it?

There's that word again. Happy.

Granted, some people may be happy with tons of money, and I hope that someday they realize that isn't what life is all about. But until then, they can just burn holes in their pockets and build fake friendships, because that's all that will really amount of their life.

That's just my opinion.

Which leads me to my next point: other people. Are others a facet of your happiness? Or can you lead a happy life on your own? Social interaction does something. Unless you have some sort of social phobia, social interaction is like chocolate: it just DOES something to you. It warms your heart and people can see it from the glint in your eyes. Laughter is the natural medicine - the one proven medication for ANYTHING and it has no harmful side effects. Isn't it amazing? And when you're happy, others are, too - and sometimes it can just be because you're radiating that happiness like sunlight. Happiness is reciprocal.

Sometimes we're attracted to people that bring out those qualities in us. The ones that can bring out the natural sunlight within us. That's where the best marriages and friendships come from - the ones that won't rain on our parade.

Okay, I'm done with the weather puns. I'm sorry.

So how do we achieve this ultimate happiness? That's something I've been wondering. It's a tough concept to grasp for me - is it even achievable? Of course it is. Sit and think for a moment about a time that you were genuinely happy - you had other things going on in your life, bad things, stressful things, but it didn't matter. At that one moment, nothing could bring you down. And once you've reached that high, and you come back down from it, you'll do anything to get it back. After all, now we know how it feels. Once it slips away, it's not gone forever - just for the moment. We need to hit the lows sometimes to get back to the highs. That's what makes the highs worthwhile.

Rx: Laughter
Side effects: Side stitches, pain in your cheeks, and watery eyes.
Cost: Priceless

Take me as I am.

Have you ever had that feeling that someone just didn't like you and you can't understand why? Like, you see someone a lot of times and there will be eye contact, a smile if you're lucky, but then they just walk by, maybe go talk to someone else, or something else.

That was a really long sentence. It's 1:30 AM. I'm sorry.

It's something I've been experiencing lately and no matter how many times I wrap my brain around it I just can't figure it out. When you've barely said ten words to the person you nearly have to count those words and make sure one of them wasn't the wrong one.

I like to think I'm a likable person. I mean, not in certain situations that have unfortunately come up in my life lately, but at the same time, I am not the kind of person that will sit back and take everything that comes to me. If there's something I don't like, I make you know about it. I pride myself in that.

Which leads me to have a quick blurb about Kairos: It was life changing. Literally. There had been something I was struggling with for a really long time and I was never able to talk about it in depth with anyone. I was too ashamed to, and it had affected me ever since it happened. For the first time in a very very long time, I was genuinely happy. There was nothing that could bring me down. I just felt so blessed and so loved and so accepted that it was almost like there wasn't anything else I COULD feel. Most of all, I felt closure. I felt GOD. It was incredible. I don't think there has ever been a time that I have cried that much in a matter of 3 days. Well, except when I was a baby.

I had never felt such joy in my life. It was the biggest high in my life thus far. But then I came back to the hustle and bustle of school life. Granted, it wasn't all bad - the little girl I tutor at work today actually kind of paid attention and it just warmed my heart to think she was actually learning (and anyone who has talked to me in the last couple of weeks probably know how awesome that actually is.) But then these residual feelings I had before the retreat (not about what I had closure about, but everything else) came creeping back to the surface and Kairos is almost a distant memory already. Kinda like that thing I mentioned at the beginning of this post.

Happiness, joy, love, and closure,

turned [back] into

Anxiety, stress, headaches, and pensiveness.

Yeah, I knew the high was going to end when I came back, but I would've liked it if it would have stuck around a little longer.

I don't really have a good ending for this post. I just thought I needed a good spill of feelings. Even though a real spillage of feelings would involve spitting out names and I don't think that's really the best thing to do.

Not to mention it is now 1:41 AM. And I think if I keep going I'm going to say something I shouldn't. My filter is fading away.

I'm off to bed now.